Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Looking back

Looking back, reading my previous entries, I wonder if I wrote them, because I could barely handle the cheesiness and awkwardness Im having at the moment. LOL....

Monday, July 13, 2015

You've got to do what you gotta do...

I learnt this the hard way, that there is never the right time. So often when taking a step for something, we wait for the right time. But how did we know that now isnt? What makes us think that we will have the chance to do what we want to do when we deem it fit? Yes, when I made the mistake for the first time I thought thats okay, Ill probably have the chance next time. I forgot that there is no next time because nobody can see the future. No one can predict the future. So when I lost the chance again, for the second time *I tell you, Im not proud of it* it hits me pretty hard.

Because you never know what the future holds, you never know what you might lose when youre so busy taking your chance and time, its better to get hurt now after you've done your best in the present rather than losing your only chance forever and regretting what couldve happened if youre taking the first step.

Theres no use crying over the spilled milk but until I can forgive myself, I think there will be times when I will post things like this. And if its bothering you, please forgive me and ignore me. Right now I just need some time to organize my thoughts, and hopefully I can come back as a strong and wise woman.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Andai itu takdirnya

I want to tell you a story, and please pardon my English.

This is a story about a girl that had a crush on her senior for a long time. She met this guy, her senior in the new school when she got transferred there. Its not love at the first sight but as time passed, she learnt that he was kind of guy she wanted as a husband. She did made her first move and they became friends, but due to her insecurities, she immaturely ended their relationship. As they lost contact, she regretted her decision and she kept praying that one day she will meet him again. It turned out, they met again as they studied in a same university and coincidentally both of them joined the program their university organized. She had the chance to see how much time had changed him to a better person, and realized that she fell for the same guy again. After that day, she tried to keep her distance as she didnt want to repeat the same mistakes she did when they were in school so she had been watching him from a far. She also didnt want to be so forward, because she afraid she might get rejected. She realized it wont get any better if she let things passed without doing something to change it so she had been preparing herself to try for a confession. She never thought she would lost her chance forever when one day she received a news that he had passed away. He had returned to his Creator, and she knew that now she wont be able to see him again anymore.

She prepared herself that he might marry someone else, but to lose him that way? She knew she had to accept it. She prayed that he would have peace there, and hoping one day her broken heart could be healed because she had been liking him for a very long time.

P/S: Al-Fatihah for him.
P/S: I know it sounds cheesy but oh well...

Friday, July 10, 2015

Pergi tak kembali

Sebelum subuh semalam, mendapat perkhabaran yang dia kini telah kembali kepada PenciptaNya.
Semoga rohnya tenang di sana.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Personality test...again


Godek-godek previous posts, terjumpa personality tests yang aku pernah buat once upon a time. So I retook the test, dan result dia macam di bawah. In conclusion, x ada beza pun. Ada perubahan pada one or two parts, but mostly consistent. So, here goes nothing ^^

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Hee....this is just for fun but I admit there are certain parts yang do mirror my thoughts. What are they? I wont tell ya ;p Tapi ada juga parts yang sebenarnya tidak melambangkan diri aku yang sebenarnya....I think so....
Kalau nak try, boleh try link ini. Douzo~~~

Thursday, January 8, 2015



Its been a while...ingat nak biar blog ni berkulat je....but apparently Im coming back here ^^
Now that it seems like my life is finally in order, or so I thought, maka....boleh la nak update di sini.
Alhamdulillah, Im finally done with MSc viva...well, with correction, of course. But thats okay, its not like I expected everything to be perfect, at least with little time given I finally have a chance to think about my future. To seriously think about it, not just wishing and dreaming how my future gonna be....

But....it is a scary process. To make decision on what you are about to do. Sometimes I wonder can I just stay at home and be my parents assistant instead? hahahaha....

So....have you heard a poem entitled "The Road Not Taken" written by Robert Frost? 

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Poem ni aku copy-paste dari sini

Analysis of this poem can be googled....and since Im not going to analyse it (pardon me, since it is not my forte), and all I wanna say is....the poem, or at least the first half of it, represents what Im currently has to deal. But....I dont know which road should I take and it is so frustrating because youre....scared....of what the future might hold! Both paths have its risks and uncertainties, and more importantly, you dont wanna regret with what you have chosen later.

p/s: Well....for now....I just do the correction first, decision later. Huhuhu ;p

Friday, June 20, 2014

Reality vs Dream

People's expectation vs your dream.


What are you supposed to do when everyone around you expect you to stay on the path that has been laid for you?.....before you finally realized that it is not something you want to do in the future, but something else.

And that 'something else' is not what everyone expect you to do, because it is full with hardships and obstacles and difficulties (and not as glamorous as what you are currently doing). But....it is what you finally realized what you have been missing all along. A dream.

Meanwhile, the road that has been laid for you, is already there, with less hardships and obstacles and difficulties and also glamorous (according to what everyone around you said). But...it is not what you want to do for your whole life.

And again, is everything that you've been asking yourself, a dream and also a reality, is it really a dilemma or is it actually just a mind trick to make you confused?

p/s: Being a rebellious at this age? pfffttt.....riddddiculous

Saturday, August 17, 2013


I am worried. What is the future for our family, especially when abah and mama are going for Hajj for 45 days? 45 days without them nearby, the future seems black.

I know they are always fighting, cannot getting along although they are siblings by blood (not that we have others, nauzubillah), I always thought fighting is good because somehow fighting strengthen the bonds between sibling (I think so), but there are limits for everything. Too much fighting between siblings might ruin your family relationships. 

But lately, they have been fighting and it has a murderous feeling in their eyes. Like I dont need you and I hope you will be vanished from this world feeling. Or am I too sensitive? Its not like I havent done that. Well, when we were younger we always fought with each other, when it turned bad, mama gave us knives, so that we could kill each other and well....since we are pretty much alive, its a good method to stop a fight.

I have been worried not because they always fight with each other, I get that, two of them are always at odd with each other and I know they actually can get along with each other well, but I am worried because it has gotten bad especially lately and I think its going to get worse soon when abah and mama are not around. I honestly dont know what I am supposed to do. As the eldest of the siblings, I should find a way to deal with their temperament and stubbornness but I dont know anything. Maybe I should do what my mom did back then? Give them knives and they can kill each other and I dont care about that? Maybe its a good idea except it might have a backlash? They might kill each other for real.....and worse, I MIGHT KILL THEM MYSELF! 

45 days without your parents, it sounds scary when I think about that at this current situation. I am not sure if I can do a good job looking after my brothers and sisters while they are away. I hope everything will be OK, and please spare me with their arguments. I just want to help my parents and I really dont have time to deal with their stubbornness.

p/s: Can I lock them somewhere instead? Just kidding ;P

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Korean drama-Dong Yi


Last two weeks, I managed to watch 60 episodes of Saeguk drama (history-based drama), despite all stuffs with writing thesis...hehehe....Tambahan, with 60 freaking hours to complete....erghhh.....

Kalau nak tahu pasal cerita ni, silalah google atau tengok sendiri.Wiki Dong Yi (TV Series)

Drama ni basically berdasarkan real life figure Concubine Choi Dong Yi, salah seorang isteri King Sukjong (pemerintah yang ke-19) pada Joseon Dynasty. Casted by Han Hyo Joo (Choi Dong Yi), Ji Jin Hee (King Sukjong) dan lain2.

Honestly, untuk habiskan 60 episodes dalam masa 3 hari bukan senang, kalau tak kerana aku banyak lompat. Part2 boring macam perbincangan politik antara King Sukjong dan menteri2 aku banyak skip. At least daripada 60 minutes dapat kurang kepada 30 minutes. Hehe....

Aku tak nak cerita pasal jalan cerita, boleh google je....just nak comment sedikit pasal drama ni. Firstly, disebabkan cerita inilah Im turning into Saeguk lover. Before Dong Yi, pernah tengok Sungkyukwan Scandal, Rooftop Prince dan Princess Man, tapi tengok je, part history buat tak kisah. Tapi lepas tengok Dong Yi, memang habis-habisan google pasal King Sukjong serta isteri2. Secondly, lagu yang sangat syahdu. Walking in a dreamy road by Jang Nara. Somehow her voice fits perfectly, with sorrowful melody and lyrics, it just PERFECT! Thirdly, costume serta istana yang cantik!

Finally, of course our main pairing, King Sukjong and Dong Yi. Despite her status as a slave, King Sukjong cant help but to fall in love with a very hardworking and honest girl like Dong Yi and also offer her to become a Queen. Or so what the drama showed. Did I mentioned, I had withdrawal syndrome? A syndrome where you cannot get over something and in my case, its Dong Yi. Its been two weeks, and I keep playing the OST and I did watched some scenes from the drama. Not to mention I read all recaps, wikipedia or anything about Dong Yi, fictional and real life. *sigh* I guess I can graduate with thesis entitled "Korean History, Dong Yi: Truth or Fictional?"

This curiosity of mine, made me read everything I can read about them (Dong Yi, King Sukjong, queens and concubines). The more I read the more frustrated I become. Dalam drama ni, Dong Yi digambarkan sebagai seorang wanita yang paling disayangi oleh King Sukjong, of course after King Sukjong realized Jang Hui Bin's ambitions and greed (King Sukjong's another concubine). Dong Yi even refused to become a queen for the sake of the Crown Prince (Jang Hui Bin's son) and Prince Yeon Ing (Dong Yi's son). Tapi most blogs mentioned yang King Sukjong had another concubine after Dong Yi, and he even evicted Dong Yi out of palace although no reason recorded in history (not sure kalau ada). This frustration came from the fact that King Sukjong doesnt love Dong Yi the way he showed in the drama. Of course drama is drama, what did you expect from something that human create and a twist of history? But still.....I kinda get hooked up with Ji Jin Hee's character as King Sukjong. His love towards Dong Yi is or was so great that he even suggested to run away with Dong Yi because everyone around him cannot accept Dong Yi as she came from a slave status. Thats why history and drama shouldnt be mixed. A crazy drama lover like me, cannot accept the reality. *sighs*

And now here I am, cannot accept anything yet cannot get over with it...

I guess if you want to know the truth you have to summon the death, LOL....

Nak sangat tahu kenapa King Sukjong ada concubine lain selain Dong Yi. Nak sangat tahu kenapa Dong Yi diperintah keluar istana sedangkan at that time concubine kena tinggal dalam istana, kecuali selepas King mati. Nak sangat tahu betul ke Prince Yeon Ing bukanlah anak kesayangan King Sukjong, tidak seperti yang digambarkan dalam drama?

Everything feels so frustrated since dalam drama, the best moments bila Dong Yi ada dengan King Sukjong. Eventhough they are just talking or walking or solving cases, everything seems so heartwarming, sweet. Then bila read those posts (which I dont know if its the truth or not), but still.....rasa kecewa. Maybe I expect too much from King Sukjong? hahaha.....

Well, hopefully I can recover from this withdrawal syndrome soon, or else Im gonna be a shut in forever. LOL. Drama, drama jugak. Writing tetap kena teruskan *sigh*

p/s: bila writing, tengok WORDS 5 minutes, lagha 5 jam. Bila nak siap?
Maybe I should change major? Korean history anyone?

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

making decisions


Lately, actually not lately la. Its been a few years already, everytime I had to make a decision (let say, something for the future), after so much considerations, when I thought it was the best for me, there always some kind of thought or whisper or hunch or whatsoever, saying that "I know Im gonna regret my decision, but it was for the best". Everytime I am making decisions, that sentences keep popping inside my head.

Oh what to do......

p/s: Lack of courage perhaps?